In 2022, Jazmin Bean was working on what they thought would become their first album. At the same time, they were struggling with a ketamine addiction for which they would end up in rehab that summer. When they emerged sober and determined not to write what they call “poor me” songs, Bean scrapped the music they’d been writing previously. Instead, they set to work on an album that would come from a place of greater happiness and healing, albeit still exploring the traumatic experiences that led them to where they are today.
Bean broke onto the scene in 2020 at the age of 16 with speed metal track ‘Hello Kitty’, first released on YouTube as a sickly-sweet music video showcasing the artist’s avant-garde, otherworldly beauty aesthetic. It remains their biggest hit to date, but they admit it was written as a “joke.” Their 2020 EP ‘Worldwide Torture’ expanded on this fantasy world, but now they’re ready to release music that plunges into the depths of their own personal experience and emotional life.
Retribution is an overarching theme on their debut album ‘Traumatic Livelihood’. Bean has spoken publicly about their experience of being groomed by an older man that began when they were 14. They recently tried to pursue a legal case against their abuser, but it did not end with a sentencing. For Bean, this album has been a way to come to terms with that and find the closure they were denied down legal pathways.
‘Traumatic Livelihood’ is more sprawling, cinematic pop than industrial alt-metal, and this gentler sound, they say, reflects the deeper lyrical vulnerability. “Obviously the fans that are obsessed with what I used to release are definitely going to have some opinions,” Bean says, “but I’m excited to see what someone who hasn’t heard my old work would think of the album.”
In the weeks before its release, Bean spoke with NME about this change of direction, writing sober and making their fans feel seen.
After going to rehab, you scrapped the album you’d be working on previously and wrote this one from scratch. How did the process of writing an album sober compare to what you were working on in addiction? How has it been different tackling these darker subjects from a place of healing?
“It’s a lot easier to write. You write really well when you’re not on drugs [laughs]. I think a lot of people think they need drugs to be able to create. A lot of artists I know think it brings out something, but I can confirm it absolutely doesn’t. My writing is so much more coherent now. I can really write from a place where I’m thinking about lyrics and I’m not being so lethargic and just writing down any feeling ever. You can actually make a good piece of writing instead of going straight into the emotion of what you’re feeling.”
Do you think you’ll ever release the album that you wrote before rehab? Did any of those songs make it onto this album?
“No. Actually, none of them did. Everything was post-rehab. I think I started writing about two months after I got out. I know the writing really started happening three months after getting out. I never put any of the songs from before rehab on this album. They’re not the same genre. They were like electronic pop slash summer industrial. They were all over the place really. I don’t think I’d ever do anything with them. I think they will just live in my files.”
There are a lot of themes of retribution on the album. You’ve spoken about how the courts failed you when you tried to pursue a legal case against your abuser. Did writing this album feel like a way to get some of the closure you were denied down legal pathways?
“Definitely. ‘Stockholm Butterfly’ was a big one for me in addressing that. A lot of the songs address that overall period of time in my life. I thought this person was going to rot in jail for a very long time because the crime was very severe. I wrote a song called ‘Sock Puppet’ that never made it onto the album. There was a bridge in that song that very much alluded to the fact that this person was already in jail, but they never ended up going. A lot of the album helped me get over that.”
Is there a message that you’d like the album to give to survivors of abuse?
“When the case failed, it threw me into a spin because I thought that I was going to get to be this success story for people and help people speak up. I thought I was going to get to be that voice that could help people address things when they think no one is going to care or listen.
Then I became the person that no one really listened to, so I was stopped in my tracks for a moment. I was like, ‘What am I going to do? I’m just another failure story in a bunch.’ There’s nothing worth taking from this series of events because the story is the same as everyone else’s which is that no one really cares, especially not the legal system. Most abusers just do walk free. I didn’t really know if I was going to speak on anything because I didn’t think it was inspirational, but I hope that whatever they’re going through, they can take those songs and feel powerful. That’s what I would like.
I feel very powerful when I listen to the songs. I have a song called ‘Charm Bracelet’ that’s referencing that. I didn’t want it to sound like a ‘poor me’ song. It was more saying that it’s going to be fine. You just do not have control over what happens. You can’t just be mad at a god or the world. You just have to keep going.”
Since opening up about your own experiences, have you had any fans reach out to you and share similar experiences? How do you cope with that?
“When I released ‘Piggie’ that was when most people were reaching about similar experiences. Obviously, I don’t want them to have those experiences, but they’re already experiences that have happened. I’m happy that they get to find songs that make them feel heard and seen.”
This album is about channeling beauty and joy rather than anger and sadness. Which parts of creating the album brought you the most joy?
“It’s that feeling when you first make a song and you’re living with it for a week and you’re really loving it. Every single song that I wrote for the album I really loved. I was obsessed with listening to them and thinking that this could be someone else’s experience too because I love when a new artist drops a new song, and it becomes my obsession for a week. I overplay songs so much.”
Do you have a favourite lyric on the album?
“I love the ending of ‘Black Dress.’ Honestly, that song makes me cry a lot. I got really emotional at the listening party I did. My manager was there, and that song makes him cry a lot too. I think my favourite lyric from the whole album is probably the first line from ‘Traumatic Livelihood’: “Tail between my legs, walking with a strut”. I think it’s such a funny way to open an album and it is just exactly how I feel.
I wasn’t a very confident person in high school, but people always used to ask me how I was so confident. You just fake it till you make it. No one’s going to tell you if you’re not confident. Just walk in there like you are and people will probably want to listen to what you have to say. I feel like the tail between my legs, walking with a strut is really how I feel.”
Your previous releases were more influenced by rock and metal, but this album leans into a more cinematic kind of pop music. Why did you decide to change direction?
“I was feeling like I needed a big change. I felt like I started becoming such a brand of this one genre and this one clothing style. I wanted to change it up and it came naturally. I just started experimenting. Then I found a couple of songs that I really felt connected to and we just went off that vibe. I feel like it was very natural for me to go into the genre.”
Are there any songs from like your previous releases that you have a difficult relationship with now because of the emotions you associate with them?
“A lot of them are very fantasy based so not really. Songs like ‘Hello Kitty’ and ‘Princess Castle’ just feel so far from where I’m at so when I perform them, I feel like a character. ‘Hello Kitty’ is my biggest song and it’s the one everyone talks about. That song was supposed to be a joke so when it became what everyone knows me for, I was like, no, I swear I can make more meaningful and better music!”
You built an online audience at quite a young age. How has your relationship with social media changed over that time?
“I got on social media very young. As soon as I was 13, I opened up all my accounts and was probably looking at stuff I shouldn’t have been. I have a better relationship with social media now. I used to really want to delete it. I can’t use TikTok now because they took all my music off. [In January, Universal pulled their artists’ music from the social media platform] I don’t really know what to do because I was really using it to promote my music. I don’t know where we go from here.”
In some of your earliest performances, you used to rub chicken liver over yourself. How has your performance style evolved since then and do you have plans to tour this album?
“That was a moment in time. I love that person because they were just insane and way too young to be doing that, but I want to focus on the music now. I think there’s other ways to give a good performance that’s not rubbing chicken everywhere. I want this tour to be a level up from the last tour and really feel like an experience.”
