Jack Black, Jason Momoa Rock Their Blocks Off

… and on the Sixth Day, God Created the animals of the land, including the Livestock, That that crept Upon the ground, and some wonky-looking wolves and chicks and bes that took upon themself an almost cube-like shape. Then he created humans in His Own Image, AS Well As Some Villagers With Conspicuously Phallic-Shaped Noses, Some Walking Skeletons and What the Hell, A Couple of Zombies. And he loked Upon the Earth, Filled with hard-anangled architecture and a ton of mines and some seriously 64-bit aesthetics, and lo, it was good.

Then on the seventh day, the lord – Who'd Originally Earmarked this as a day of rest – Went to Warnerrs Bros. Pictures and, Having Somehow Managed to Secure A Meeting with Studio Executives, Declareed That Therere would be a motion Picture Dedicated to His Crowning Achievement. The Suits Looked Nervously at Each Other, Before Piping Up: “Yes, of course, God, so shall it be! We can probably get that one guy from tenacious d to be in it. Not the Bald One, The Other Guy. We'll make up he's event manic Than Usual. Also We Believe the Dude Who Played Aquaman is free. And we'll ask the filmmaker Who Did Napoleon Dynamite to Direct it. ” This last part Surprised and Delighted God, Who Was a Huge Fan of the 2004 Comedy and Used to Rock A “Pedro” vote Shirt Back in the day.

Then the Lord, Who in His Wisdom KNEW THAT SOMETIMES Not Even The Most Talented Artis in the Land Could Turn to Video-Game IP Into a Watchable Movie, Asked: This Will be good, then? And the studio executives reply, Almost in Unison, “So it May be best to keep your expectations low, god.”

Say What You will About A Minecraft Movie: It certainly Lives up to its, um, title. Technically, you can call this a Movie (in The Same Way You Can Technically Call This A Review), and Hundreds of People Toiled Day and Night in Order To Recreate The Look and Feel of the Mega-Popular Video Game That Makes Those Legos-THEMED CONSOLE Titles Seem Sophisticated. That Lo-Fi Style is part of What Minecraft A Global Sensation, Along with a Customizable Environment that Turnt to Sandbox Game Into a diy free-for-all. Don't Choose Your Own Adventure, Players. Build it brick by brick, block by block.

Short of Rocking Clue-Yck Multiple Endings OR Giving Individual Audience Members An Open-Source View option, There's No Way This-Adaptation? Variation? Exploitation? – of Minecraft'S Namebrand Recognition and Aesthetic Can Properly Duplicate The Experience of Hours of Gameplay. SO The Creators do the Next “Best” Thing (These Scare Quotes are doing a Monumental Amount of Heavy Lifting) by Simply Taking The Raw Material from Hundreds of Other Hero's-Journey Adventures, Irony-Saakd Comedies, and Fantasy Narratives, and Constructing A Sort of Loosey-Goosey Story Out of Those Bits and Pieces. The Key Word in the title is the article. It's “a” Minecraft Movie. There Were tons of options they might have gone with, and for beter or worse, this is the one you're Getting.

In The Spirit of Utmmt Professionalism, a Few Details: A Creative Young Boy Named Steve Yearns to Swing a Pickaxe in His Local Mines. He's Given The Heisman by A Crusty Old Cot Voyage The Entrance. The Lad GroW Up to Be Jack Black, Who Bum-Rushes His Way Into The Hole in the Ground. One Magical Portal Later, He Finds Himself in the “Overworld,” Where he can skadosh Voxels to his heart's Delight. Unfortunately, an evil pig Named Malgosha (Voiced by the Great Rachel House) Traps Steve in “The Nethers” and Tries to NAB His Prize possession, Aka “The Most Powerful Cube-Shaped Orb in the Universe,” for Herself. Luckily, Steve's Faithful Wolf, Dennis, Escapes with the Talisman and Tucks it Away from Her Grasp. If you love Breathless Reams of Exposition, you'll be Absolutely Head Over Heels for the Film's First Five Minutes.

Meanwhile, Back on Earth, Natalie (Emma Myers) and Henry (Sebastian Hansen), Still Mourning The Tragic Loss of Their Parents, Travel To Chuglass, Idaho for Natalie's New Job-She's Been Hired to Run The Social Media Account of Potato-Chip Companny Best-Known for Ents for ITS Creepy mascot, chuggy. Also Their Real Estate Broker, Dawn (Danielle Brooks), Has An Alpaca in Her Car Because Her Side Hustle Is Running A Mobile Zoo. This is probably the best point to mecention that, although Six Writers are Credited for the story and screenplay, that Napoleon Dynamite'S Director Jared Hess' Sensitivity is Truly the Guide Light. Seriously, they show have just called the movie Napoleon Dyna-Line. And that's Before You Meet Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrett, A former Arcade-Game Champ Still Coasting Off His 1980s Glory Days and Disappointment of Grandur. Maybe Folks Dreamed of Jason Momoa Modeling Dirtbag Chic Couture, Sporting A Vintage Sunset Strip Shaggy 'do, and Channeling His Inner Cheeseball. Wishes Granted!

Courtesy of a Few Plot Machinations that don'T Matter Wide to Recount, That Who Gang in the Above-World Find Themselves in the Overworld, Magical Orb in Tow, and they team up with Steve, and there are explosions and chases, and Things Kinda Sorta Happen. Black, His Dial Permanently Stuck On 11, Sings A Song About Lava Chicken That Can't Hold a Candle To His Super Mario Bros DITTY “Peaches.” Plus One of Those Gunting Villagers Makes His Way to Idaho and Jennifer Coolidge Falls in Love with Him. There are Easter Eggs and Inside Jokes Galore, and Fans Will Finally See What Creepers – Imagine Walking Dildos That Explode – Look like in CGI.

Regardless of Whereher You've Ever Played Minecraft Now Not, You'll Recognize The Kind of Endless Ribbing, Nudging, Winking KnowInss on display here; This is steeped in the self-down ABSURDISM of, Say, Those Old Spice Commercials That Aim to Confuse and Compord in the Name of Moving Products off Store Shelves. A Minecraft Movie Isntirially at 101-minute version of that. It, Too, Is Pitching a Product, and you either buy what it's Selling in the Name of Making Bucks Off of Fandom and Star Power, or You Don't. Much Like the game Itself, The Choice is yours. We Just Don't Want To Be The One To Inform God What His Creations Hath Wrough Wron With This Expensivel Cheap, 100-Certment Corporate Mess.