Stephen Colbert incredulously recapped Donald Trump‘s cabinet selections so far, noting that it was “not the outrageous, stupefying story that I thought I’d be leading my monologue with tonight.”
The Late Show host, who quipped that he was only the host “for now,” started his monologue by saying he had thought he was prepared for a second Trump presidency. “I’ve been walking around the building reminding everybody, ‘Hey, this isn’t great, not the outcome I hoped for, but this isn’t our first Trump rodeo. Almost eight years ago, we all saw him saunter down those Capitol steps, put his hand on a Bible, lie to the chief justice about defending the Constitution, and then give an extremely accurate speech about the coming American carnage.”
He continued, “And I’ve been saying, quite sincerely, ‘Hey! Let’s not get out over our skis here. Let’s take this one day at a time. Maybe, maybe betting against all logic and all previous experience, it’ll be different this time.’ I was right. Because it’s already way worse.”
Colbert pointed to Trump’s most recent cabinet selections, which include Matt Gaetz as attorney general and Tulsi Gabbard as director of national intelligence.
“During the campaign, I thought if Trump won, he would do the worst things I could imagine,” Colbert said. “Turns out, I don’t have much of an imagination. There is not enough Botox in the world to hide how shocked I am. There’s also not enough Botox in the world because Matt Gaetz used all of it. This is just a little amuse-douche of what a horrifying idea this is.”
He added, “Matt Gaetz, nominated for the top law enforcement office of the United States, is currently under investigation by a House Ethics panel that issued a subpoena for him in a sex and drug probe. Which really makes you wonder, did he bring enough drugs to share? Because I could really use them about now.”
As for Gabbard, who Colbert called “a MAGA minion and Cruella de Village Idiot,” the host recounted interviewing her during the 2020 presidential campaign. He noted, “the word intelligence is not the first one that comes to mind — or the second.”
Colbert also commented on Trump nominating Fox News host Pete Hegseth to serve as secretary of defense. “Hegseth has two qualifications for Trump,” Colbert said. “He’s on TV, and he is one weird dude.”
Later, the host discussed the news that Senate Republicans selected John Thune of South Dakota as their new majority leader, taking over for Mitch McConnell. “Here’s why you care,” Colbert said. “All those nominations I mentioned earlier, straight from the mouth of madness? Normally, they have to go through a Senate confirmation, where both sides of the aisle get to ask salient questions and present evidence and call witness testimony. And the nominees have to defend themselves and explain why them getting that job would be good for America. But Trump has demanded and Thune has supported adjourning the Senate so none of that happens, and Trump just says, ‘Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, here’s the job without any review.’”
He added, “It’s called recess appointments. Coincidentally, recess appointment: what Matt Gaetz calls his dates.”
